Recovery means to me…

Recovery means everything.

It is my life since the 22nd January 2002. It means I am living my life.

I am alive.

It’s why it always has to go at the top. We will lose whatever we put above it anyway.

It means I keep my freedom.

The photos of me here are 20 years apart. Yes, I see my hair in the first one! But I also remember the emptiness and hopelessness behind those eyes.

I was trapped in my life. Now I am free and have gained so much.

An infinite amount. Immeasurable.

Greatest gift of recovery

I’ve had two brilliant children born during my recovery. When I came into recovery I’m not sure I had much left. I’m quite certain I didn’t.

My two beautiful boys were born 21 months apart, around a decade into my recovery.

Without getting into recovery I doubt I’d have held down a relationship. I had to learn how to deal with all the emotions such as jealousy and excessive pride that sprang up once I was clean and sober.

Without my recovery, and that relationship of course, my two boys wouldn’t be living this beautiful life with all the wonder that’s in it. That’s an extremely sobering thought.

Today I am able to give them unconditional love and my all in every way. I eat most meals with them, we laugh together a lot.

Then I play football with them most days, and I pretend to be whatever animal my youngest son asks of me. (My gorilla impression is especially good, much better than when he asks me to be, for instance, an ant…)

When they say to me: “You’re the best daddy in the world” I can believe they mean it. I can, humbly, accept that because I am here for them.

That gives me so much meaning.

As well, I get so much meaning from helping others.

Meaning gives us happiness

Being in recovery means I’m in a privileged and unique position to help other people. I can be there for anyone who is presently still suffering with their mental health including addictions.

As well I can inspire and guide those who are doing well but who want to grow and get a boost.

As someone who has been where other people are now in some manner, and then been given the grace to have found a way out, I can reach them in a way that someone cannot who’s not been there.

This is how it is too for anyone who’s in recovery now.

Reconnecting

Many people struggling today say they feel disconnected. They feel alone in a crowded room.

I know exactly what that’s like. I can help them reconnect. 

Not only can they get their life back and have a life beyond their wildest dreams, but they can help others to achieve this too. I always say to people who come to me for help that this is another huge incentive for them to get themselves well, then get themselves strong.

This is essential to recovery and to maintain and grow in recovery – because it gives meaning. When there’s meaning in life we know happiness.

Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl (1905-1997) wrote in his brilliant bestselling book Man’s Search for Meaning – “Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue. One must have a reason to ‘be happy’. Once the reason is found, however, one becomes happy automatically.”

What is recovery?

A dictionary definition of “recovery” is: “after a period of difficulty the process of returning to a regular state; the process or action of regaining possession or control of something lost or stolen.”

So it is to recover that which we once had. However, my own experience is that we gain something so much more.

It is something that we never would have gained or even got near without recovery. 

Dante knew it in his narrative poem The Divine Comedy from 700 years ago: “The path to paradise begins in hell.”

In his poem he described how he was guided through hell to finally reach paradise. This was the only way to reach paradise.

Perhaps it’s because everything in this universe has opposites.

Going into the darkness to find the light

Breaking down is waking up.

Rock bottom is the way to the top.

This is what I know now. But in the beginning the first thing I remember sensing was relief, that there were other people who’d been in hell on earth who had found a way out.

I also remember feeling hope. That was immense, as until then I’d felt increasingly full of terror, bewilderment, frustration and despair.

I’d reached a place without hope. I’d reached the jumping-off point.

Given up on giving up

I started like most teenagers. It was all a part of partying – and all totally encouraged by British culture. 

But my story of drinking a few pints at the weekend (and I didn’t really start until I was 19) ended up with me reaching blackout a few times a week for around a decade. I clearly see now that I had little self-love.

As my boozing and using increased so too did anxiety and the darkness.

In 2001 I reached what I call my “rock-bottom year”. On the outside it looked all hunky-dory…

I’d just had a novel published by a small publisher, it gained national newspaper exposure. Then I started dating a celebrity who’d been on the front of many magazines and national newspapers and who’d even been described as “Britain’s most beautiful woman”.

But in reality that year became increasingly hideous. I ended up sleeping on friend’s sofas until they kicked me out, obsessed with that mostly dysfunctional on-off relationship, unemployable and eventually without any sense of self or hope.

I’d given up on almost everything. By then I’d definitely given up on giving up.

I’d tried stopping the boozing and using so many times I had concluded that it was just me, just how I was.

So little did I know back then…

Who, the great me?

At that time I had no inkling at all that any of this could be anything to do with me. I merely thought I was a party animal who was getting unlucky. That bad luck back then started to involve hospitals and the police…

The falling down was speeding up. I was swirling down to the rock bottom of hell more and more swiftly.

Thank God I had a friend who had been in recovery from drink and drug addiction who guided me in the right direction at the right time and just in time. In January 2002 I started the 12 Steps recovery programme.

Now with the knowledge and wisdom I’ve earned from many years of continual successful recovery I’m fortunate enough to be able to help others.

All of this, I still think it’s truly momentous.